I’m not a parent, but I’m speaking from the perspective of the child I once was. And from this perspective I can definitely confirm that the kind of relationship and bonds parents have with each of their kids will never be the same with each one …and you know what?…
That’s okay!! I like to think my brother required a little more love and so much more nurture growing up anyway.
I believe my father loved me in his own way. But he also parented in his own way…
Actually, I take that back… he didn’t parent at all.
Looking back, I think my relationship with him as a child felt so great because my judgment was clouded by the high expectations of a little girl who thought her father could do no wrong. I wanted someone to look up to, someone to guide me. In my eyes, he was that man. Strong, Smart, untouchable. I idolized him.
But that quickly changed as I got older. When I became a teenager. I was 15 and full of opinions, stubborn, and incredibly stupid. During this time is when I noticed the shift.
I was that kid who thought I was always right, I felt mature, thought I knew more and like any teenager, I constantly let my feelings take over my life. I wore my heart on my sleeve and fell in (what I thought was) love, so hard. And yes, I was also the “But Mom, I love him!” kind of teen after my mom forbade me from seeing my so-called “love of my life.”
We’ve all been there, right?… So glad snapped out of that.
But with all these emotions comes the fighting and the yelling. I remember vividly yelling at my mom telling her she didn’t understand me, forgetting that my mom too was once a girl…
But all together you’d think, like in most parent/child relationships, there comes a time when you and your teen just can’t see eye to eye. But even then, as a parent, you’re supposed to stick by your child, support them through the chaos, and eventually, they’ll learn to appreciate you.
But for me, that never happened with my dad. There was never steady support with him.
In my teens, our relationship strained until we just… drifted apart. He was psychically there but never emotionally present. I was always told, “That’s just how he is,” or “He wasn’t raised to talk and try to understand.” Or my favorite “He’s just Prideful.” Like wtf, I’m 15, prideful against what???
So honestly, that was some bullshit.
It’s not up to the child to maintain the relationship. It’s not up to the child to keep reaching out or searching for the connection. There shouldn’t be pride in the way you forgive, in the way you love, or in the way you nurture.
Now, as an adult, I’ve come to accept that this is just the way our relationship will be — distant or nonexistent even. It wasn’t easy for me to come to fully accept this what what had come of our relationship. He will never be the man I’ll look up to again, hell never be the first person I’ll look for in every room.
I had always faulted myself for not reaching out time and time again. I faulted myself for not being around, for not being a better daughter. But what could I have done differently, what could I have done to be enough?
The answer to that is nothing.
Fast forward to today: I moved across the country, my parents split up and me and my father haven’t spoken.
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